Too much

Sometimes I feel so alone

Sometimes I feel very down

Sometimes I don’t feel a thing

Things that I’ve lived through my life have made me this

This is it

This is who I am

This is what I have

Nothing more

Nothing less

I do, and do, and do, and get nothing in return

I know that you’re not supposed to ask for things back

But why can’t I have you by my side when I’ve had your back?

On the good, on the bad

I was there to stay and keep you on track

Being a strong person doesn’t mean I have no feelings

Doesn’t mean I don’t feel shit

Doesn’t mean that I ain’t gonna lock myself in my room after this

Repressed feelings is my way of livin’

Because if I ain’t there for myself, then who will?

Not you, nor you

Don’t lie and tell me you’ll be my side, that you’re my friend and that in you I can confide

Sometimes I just wanna die

Swallow them pills and say goodbye

1,2,3 down it goes

Down, down, down the rabbit hole

Damm, didn’t think I’d be here for so long

Take me already, I’m ready to leave

Have had my bags packed since I was sixteen

One day, one day is what I ask for

Just one day, to feel back the love that I give

Is it too much?

Someone tell me so that I can just stop holding on to that thought

Am I crazy? Maybe I am, maybe I’m not

Maybe I’m the one that’s too much for you or maybe just not enough?

Yeah, not enough

Only good to hear your problems, only good to help you face them, only good to go to you

Oh, but God forbid I feel stuck, when I ask for company they probably think “yuck”

Who am I kidding

I don’t matter, I’m just a burden, a broken doll

A broken doll asking for too much

A broken doll asking for too much

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A broken doll asking for too much

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Third and Last Strike Pt.1

Couldn’t sleep that night, smoked some weed, didn’t help, so I finished unpacking for the second time all my belongings from the car. I felt good, being in my home felt great, cooked some breakfast for him for when he got off from work he would have some hot food on the table. Everything was painting for a good day, but he got home stressed from work. That was it, that’s what ticked him off, off on me…

He only took a couple of bites and sat in bed, his attitude was weird, he was acting kind of sketchy. We left the apartment and went to do some laundry at the laundry matt. He took my tablet and spent all the time inside of the car in the backseat chatting with who know’s who…Who am I lying to ? He was talking to that girl. He stepped out, finally, I approached him and asked him what was going on, then he said “We’re done”, I used stared at him with such disbelief and disappointment. Went inside, started grabbing my stuff and headed to the car fast. He was right behind me, trying to get into the car as fast as he could before I had a chance to lock the passenger door. As soon as he got inside he started banging the console and almost blew the air bag up. This was the first time I raised my voice at him, he called me a bitch and I said to him, very loudly “You think that this is me being a bitch? You’re wrong, but if you really want to see a bitch, hang on ’cause you’ll see one RIGHT NOW”. I drove to the apartment, went straight into the room and threw all of his clothes from the closet out to the living room. He then, again, said that he was going to stay at some buddie’s house and wouldn’t come back ’till the next day and that he hoped that I was gone by then. He prepared his overnight bag and went out for a walk. I coulnd’t take the frustration and anger, I had to talk to someone, so I called my ex-roomate and she came by. Half an hour later, he comes back, quietly, picks up the bag, and left without saying a word. I went into the kitchen and kind of opened the blinds, there he was, inside of a ridiculous orange car, that’s when I finally was able to put a face to the name. My world crashed, just kept walking back and forth in the living room, my friend didn’t know how to calm me down, she was also in disbelief.

Diary entry 1.

So I already put some clothes back into the drawers from my old bedroom, was having a good morning, had a bomb ass breakfast and decided to go for a walk at the beach. I opened the drawer and picked out my pink tank top, and guess what the fuck I found on it? A blue fucking hair, this is the second fucking time I find a blue strand of hair, the first time on the compartment that I put my underwear in and now on my tank top. Fyi, that’s the hair of the 22 yr old, single, psycho, bitch, mom, that was fucking my ex-boyfriend, It just makes me think that nothing, absolutely nothing, that we had together was close to being real. God damn it, how could I be so stupid? I was so drawn by him, hypnotized..

I gave him everything, all of me, I was fully committed to him, to us. I’ve never been a relationship type of girl, he was the second boyfriend I’ve had in my 24 yr old life. I gave myself a chance, after three years that took me to get over my first boyfriend, I decided to make that jump, but love got to disappoint me again.

So, I’ve been thinking in two great women lately, celebrity’s that have been in a domestic relationship, Christy Mack and Rihanna, and how their lives developed after that. Both of them grew as a person, became stronger, successful women, but one of them have already found a great, loving man, and the other nothing at all. It just keeps me wondering, wondering if I could get to be lucky and find the right person, or close myself to possibilities.